Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she told me i tasted like america
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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