Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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