Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
