I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Dicks are not precious.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
