Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
