as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
