have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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