I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
