that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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