I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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