my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
