I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My feet surprised me
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