Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I died a long time ago.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
