I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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