Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
