You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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