those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
