herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
