some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
