I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish I only lived at night.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
