If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
