Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
