Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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