I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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