ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
