He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
