I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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