Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
