My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
