I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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