my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
