Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
