think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
