I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
