dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
