Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
