Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
