u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
