he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
