HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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