Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
