I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
