He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
