My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
