Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
