dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
