Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Randomize
