After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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