I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
