Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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