You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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