I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just found puke in my bra..
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
