Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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