I think I died a long time ago.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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