I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
