Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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