i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
