I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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