Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
