Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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