I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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