On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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