he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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