your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
