Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
high people should be assigned attendants
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
