just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
